


Wade Wilson, the Date Doctor

by Ichigo_Kacchan



Series: East & West [1]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Dating Advice, Deadpool being Deadpool, Humor, Just Deadpool being a hardcore Kacchako shipper, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rated for Deadpool's Language, Unwanted Help, Wade Wilson is a Good Bro, just funny shit, will add relationships along the way maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 09:39:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16870585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ichigo_Kacchan/pseuds/Ichigo_Kacchan
Summary: "Hi! My name is Wade.I could bore you to death with a long “how-did-that-shit-happen” introduction but let’s jump directly to the fun part, shall we? Okay… at least, a short introduction.There was this motherfucker. He used some whatever magic and even though my eyes had been fixed on Colossus’ ass, I ended up without him in a school full of teens with special powers. Sounds familiar? Right. BUT! I wasn’t at home, there was no X-Force, everything was different and before I could figure shit out, I witnessed the most adorable half-love-confession ever – except that the girl had been oblivious as fuck and that angry dude awkward as hell.Took me exactly 2 minutes to ship them so fuckin hard, I turned into Wade Wilson, the Date Doctor. Because getting home again was completely overrated when some lovestruck teens needed dating advice! I was born for this you know? Destiny is calling me."





	Wade Wilson, the Date Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know if I continue.
> 
> It's a fluffy humor thing and it was so much fun to write XD Still, I don't know.
> 
> I wanted to write Uraraka's POV too. Maybe, if I decide to continue this.  
> Would you be interested? Let me know.
> 
> This is an experiment and the idea kept bugging me for a long time. SO here it is, have fun and let me know what you think.
> 
> I have a lot LOT of ideas. And one thing, IF I continue and people are interested in reading it, it'll turn into Mature rated VERY quickly XD

**First Case – That dude has issues**

 

Deadpool:

 

Today was a good day. Like Christmas, New Year, Thanksgiving and Halloween combined. He’d call it the “Wade did it again”-Day. Oh what a mouthful. "Awesome Wade" Day would do. The AWD. Yeah sounds about right. Because fuck you cupid, he’d be ne next big thing. The AWD would replace the Valentine’s Day and a lot of people would produce little tiny humans celebrating that day, maybe naming newborns Wade or Wadina. Wadette? OH and a sex toy line! The Wadinator would be a worldwide topseller! Oh he'd make people happy, getting rich in the process and then, he would rescue every little baby rabbit of the world. But first, his plan needed to become a full success. But why wouldn’t it? It was perfect. Not even that ashblond walking dynamite guy could fuck it up. Because Wade had everything under control. He had watched every romantic comedy movie out there, his voice smoother than Hasselhoff’s, as charming as a big bowl of icecream after a heartbreaking event, his intentions as pure as a window freshly cleaned after it had been covered in blood. Now that was brutal. No, his intentions were so pure, compared to it, a baby unicorn would look like a serial killer. A high-pitched sigh escaped Wade’s lips, making the adorable plump and squishy little woman behind the counter stare at him while she danced around, grabbing pots, pans and bowls with admirable speed. A mouthwatering smell of cooked beef filled the shabby but cute little restaurant and his stomach growled at the sight of that large bowl of pure goodness in front of him.

Maybe he should drag this lady back with him and adopt her as his grandma. Would trigger a fight with Blind Al maybe and that cute little Japanese woman would end up dead despite Blind Al being.. well.. blind. But he'd protect her. And her Ramen superpower. It was worth protecting. It was worth anything. Even a grandma fight. And maybe, this Japanese lady had a secret side. Like those grandmas pointing a gun to your head and make you eat, because you don’t know it but THEY know you’re hungry. And you should motherfuckin eat. Disturbing thought. Somehow adorable. Yeah, he'd make her the cook and replace whoever was in charge of that sorry excuse for food at that school back at home. His home. Going back home. As soon as he'd find that stupid motherfucker who brought him here. After he would've hugged and thanked him for indirectly introducing him to Ramen, French fries with chocolate sauce (he hadn’t known he needed that in his life before he ate them because, yeah sex was good, but have you ever tasted French fries with chocolate sauce?), millions of different Kit Kat flavors and of course, every single item those convenience stores had to offer. And that he provided him with some purpose in life. A purpose so sweet, so innocent, so… moving. His heart warmed up at the thought. The gift, it should've arrived by now. What did it look like? Would that girl be excited? Of course she’d be. She’d drop her panties in an instant. Who could say no to such an amazing display of skilled craftmanship? Made with love, dedication and hope. He needed another stage name. How about… LOVEPOOL.

OH. OH YEAH. OOOOOOH YEAH. He should get another costume. With all those .. “heroes” walking around, it shouldn’t be a problem. Bright pink leather with white hearts printed on it. A unicorn horn on his head. White plushy boots. Angel wings. OH. OH. Maybe he should go with Wadinator instead of Lovepool. But.. how would he call his vibrator line then? Wade tilted his head. Or maybe he should go with Richard. Sounded like a middle-aged rich-guy main character in a porn, fuckin his secretary through his office. Richard the Wadinator. NO RICHARD LOVEPOOL. HELL YEAH.

Another high-pitched sigh left his mouth as his phone hopped over the counter, his unicorn charms rattling over the worn wooden surface as his favorite ringtone echoed through the room.

“I’VE BEEN LOOOOKING FOOOR FREEEEEEEDOM.” Wade sang along before he brought the thing to his ear. “At your service!”

“YOU. STUPID. MOTHERFUCKER.”

He held the phone away from his ear as the voice continued to scream. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO. I’LL COME AND FIND YOU AND I’LL BLAST YOUR FUCKIN SORRY ASS INTO SPACE!”

Wade gasped in shock.

“SUCH a potty mouth!” he breathed but the voice just continued screaming.

“I SWEAR. I’M GONNA FUCKIN MURDER YOU.”

“Wait. Wait. Wait. First. I told you that this won't work. I tried that already. Remember I tried to blow myself up and shit and you tried to blow me up and shit and SECOND, leave that space thing to your girl AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, DID SHE LIKE IT????” Wade squealed the last part, he jumped up and down on his chair, giggling like a maniac.

There was silence on the other end. Wade could hear whispers in the background. One voice dropped “We should call the teachers. I think he’s really gonna kill that guy.” Ah that was the little red haired sunshine! And another voice, suppressing laughter “Did you see Uraraka’s face, I’m dying.” Oh Donkey was with him, too! Oh she made a face!

“I’M GONNA FUCKIN MURDER ALL OF YOU.” Sound of a blast and screams echoed through the phone.

“Sweet baby jesus. Use that power of yours to make my quote come true instead of vaporizing your friends.” He should print that on t-shirts. He was going to be so fuckin rich.

“…….. Which quote.”

Oh wow, how did that guy make his much quieter voice sound much deadlier than the loud version? That guy got some real issues here.

“WHAT. I came up with it! I’m a genius! See! Your superpower was made for that quote. Or the other way around BUT doesn’t change the fact that I’m a genius and I already said that but your love life is in the most capable hands ever! And the card-”

“KIRISHIMA. WHICH CARD.”

“- did someone take a picture?? I really need to know how that flower bouquet turned out. I’m SO excited! And you really need to hear people out before-”

“KIRISHIMA. WHICH. CARD.”

“Uhm… There was… nothing.... like a card....” A shaky voice replied while another one burst into laughter.

Wade sighed. “The “ _Lemme explode inside of you_ ” one, I really should print that on t-shirts, I know, I’m a genius, I bet she threw herself at you the moment she saw that card. Oh I really should drop by and have a look at the flower bouquet!”

The only thing he could hear was several loud bangs and some guys choking with laughter. Why was everybody laughing? Except for that dude? He just saved his love life?

“Hey, are you there? Ah never mind master exploder, I’m on my way.”

Scratching sounds, several detonations happening, screaming and laughing. Then he heard a much nicer voice than before.

“Dude, you better not cross him, he’s out for murder and I doubt anyone could stop him now. He just wrecked the classroom.”

“Oh hello sunshine! Don’t worry, his emotions are just overflowing right now, even late teenagers are still teenagers. Soon he’ll see the beauty of it all. Did he drop his phone?”

“… Drop it... Yeah.. I caught it.”

“Good boy. See you in a minute!” Wade hung up and beamed. Ah that red haired guy, he really liked that one. Maybe he could help him out, too? He doubted that the dynamite dude could provide him with top notch love life advice even if his life depended on it and... ah all of them were so precious. His little babies. So pure and innocent.

“Madame. Please save my ramen for later, I’ll return soon. But Richard Lovepool has his first case of emergency to solve!”

And with that, he ran outside, turned the music on and moved his hips with the rhythm, shouting “I’M A SCATMAN” at pedestrians crossing his way. “Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub  
Yo da dub dub, Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub, Yo da dub dub-“

 

 

Bakugou:

 

Definitely his worst day ever. Did he remember how he had lost against Deku several times? Yeah, didn’t even came close to how pissed he was today. He just couldn’t fuckin believe it. The moment he had entered the classroom, excited chatter and a lot of laughter had screwed his mood before he had even settled down on his chair. He hadn’t slept well because certain assholes had kept him awake with the shittiest movie he had ever seen, wasting precious life time he’d never get back.

His classmates had flocked around Uraraka’s seat, giggling like they had all gone nuts and he wouldn't have cared at all if Kirishima hadn’t walked up his desk.

His best buddy had placed his hand on his shoulder, that had already been fuckin suspicious, and he had known something was up the moment he had said: “Uhm. Hey dude. Let’s.. take a walk, shall we? I wanna show you.. something.”

“What the fuck Kirishima. Class is about to start in 15 minutes?” Bakugou had growled at him.

Shitty Hair had been nervous. Fuckin nervous. And some obvious glances back at the others had confirmed any arising suspicions. Something had been up.

Bakugou had shot up without any warning, smacking his buddy’s hand away before he had stomped towards the crowd like a bulldozer about to crash anything in its way.

“WATCH OUT HE’S COMING.” Sero had snorted so loud, Katsuki’s nostrils had flared in response.

“Bro. You shouldn’t…-!” Kirishima had breathed behind him but too late. The rest of his classmates had either dropped to the floor holding their sides or had watched him petrified as he had approached Uraraka’s desk. She hadn't been there.

Bakugou couldn’t even recall what exactly he had thought at that moment. Had felt like Deku had punched him in the gut. One For All, 100%. The only difference had been that instead of having his ass turned into a rocket, heading to the moon, which he had preferred by the way, he had stood there, his gaze glued to a flower bouquet. Not any flower bouquet. No.

“I’M….. I’M DYING…” that fuckin grape pervert had choked. And the rest had continued laughing or they had been holding their breath, watching Bakugou’s reaction.

But he had kept staring at that bouquet. 2 round dark green moss spheres with stones on the bottom, somehow looking like… his gauntlets. In the center… Katsuki had blinked. And again. And again.

In the center… had stood… a small tower. Of Orange roses and moss. Had been wrapped together with a black satin ribbon. And with the moss spheres……………. That motherfuckin thing had looked like a dick.

A dick shaped motherfuckin flower bouquet.

It had taken him several minutes before he had snapped. Gone nuts. Blasting the desk through the room, spreading flower petals and moss pieces everywhere. He had turned the classroom into a fuckin battlefield, people had been shrieking and jumping out of his way. And he had stood there. Shaking. Breathing hard. In the next moment, he had his phone in his hand, scrolling through his contact list, nearly breaking the screen in the process until he found what he had been looking for.

_Your knight in shining armor_

“ _If you have an emergency, I'll be right by your side.”_ The words echoed in his mind.

A crack. Fine lines had appeared on the display.

Bakugou had smashed the “CALL” button on the screen and a moment later that motherfuckin red walking condom had answered the phone. Causing him to vaporize every piece of furniture in the room afterwards.

So he ended up in his room. Grounded. Great.

That most certainly wouldn’t stop him killing that fucker. Slowly. Painfully. He had seen enough movies for inspiration.

That pain in the ass had appeared a week ago. Just like that. Claiming he hadn’t known shit about anything, like a freakin alien. Landing on 2 villains he and Uraraka had cornered, waiting for backup, while Bakugou had been screaming at them, falling silent in shock the moment that dude had turned up. Waiting for the teachers hadn’t been necessary because that idiot had killed the bad guys on the spot as they had tried to attack his classmate – on fuckin U.A grounds! And he himself had darted towards her, trying to pull her out of harms way. Which he had managed but they both had fallen to the ground, with Uraraka clinging onto him, and in the next moment, they had been floating, rising higher and higher before she deactivated her quirk. Their landing hadn’t been very pretty, even with his explosions slowing the fall. Without their hero costumes in the dead of night, they had been chasing the intruders in sweatpants and shit, so there hadn't been any protection. And while Bakugou had miraculously managed to remain unharmed, his classmate had clutched a broken arm.

It had been only natural to act worried. Her freaking arm had been broken! She had been in pain, still pulling a straight face like the badass she was as they had been watching that idiot go berserk with 2 katanas. That fight had been over in an instant and Bakugou had inspected her arm carefully afterwards, positioning himself between that lunatic and her. Of course he had been curious about that walking red condom. What a ridiculous costume! But he hadn't known how bad she was injured so he had inspected her first. Nothing wrong with that. Was it? He had still been barking at her. About activating her quirk so carelessly and shit. She should've known better for fuck's sake.

And then, that asshole had been screeching like a little girl, yelling “OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE SO ADORABLE.” Like, that literally had been his first reaction to everything. In that weird costume, showing no facial features and stuff. Blood of his victims dripping off his arms. What a weird sick shit and it hadn't stopped there. The teachers had arrived and had been chasing him around campus but that guy had just dissappeared somewhere. And after that, he had kept plopping up out of nowhere day after day. So all they had known about him was, that his name was... “Deadpool” or, like he had introduced himself to Katsuki, “Hi, you can call me Wade, I like you.” He had thrown an explosion at him but that fucker had dodged it like a champ. What the fuck.

And then, the nightmare had started.

 

_Katsuki remembered how that guy had turned up on his balcony in the middle of the night, knocking on the window like a fuckin creep, triggering something close to a heart attack. Bakugou had gone after him, blasting him from the balcony and that guy hadn't fought back, no. He had crashed to the ground. Just to regenerate in front of his eyes, bones snapping back into position and with a loud groan, that guy had just healed while lying on the ground. “You have issues dude!” Deadpool had shouted from the ground.“Does she know? That you love her? Didn't look like it.”_

_WHAT._

_HOW THE FUCK?!_

_He had never been that confused in his entire life. A red walking condom turning up, apparently being a warrior with a self healing quirk, seeming out of place like a topmodel on a farm, behaving SO weird he hadn't even been able to describe the shit properly. WHAT THE FUCK. AND HOW THE FUCK._

“ _THE HELL. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL WITH YOU?” Bakugou had screamed at him before Kirishima had burst into his room, sleepy but alerted._

“ _Hey I come in peace! Listen I don't know where I am, I don't know how to get back because I'm fucking confused but this place seems familiar. A school right? And you know, the only thing I'm 100% sure of is that you're head over heels for that girl but obviously she doesn't know shit. That's sad man. And I have nothing better to do so, lemme help you out buddy!”_

_Good thing Kirishima had been irritated as fuck too, otherwise, Bakugou had thought he had gone nuts and his brain had decided to fuck with him. Hard._

“ _You're.. on school grounds! We'll get the teachers!” Kirishima had shouted back._

“ _As I said uh, obvious BFF, I don't want to harm you! But your bestie needs help!”_

“ _WHAT THE FUCK.”_

“ _UH, you know what, I'll get something to eat and we'll meet afterwards? Talk in peace? I love baby kittens and stuff you know! I'm the big brother type, no hard feelings!”_

“ _What a weird... dude... but he doesn't seem like a villain somehow.” Kirishima had mumbled._

“ _HE MURDERED 2 GUYS IN FRONT OF ME AND IS STALKING ME HERE AND HE SHOULD BE DEAD BUT ISN'T ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME.”_

“ _That happens sometimes! I don't like bad guys and I can't die – that easily.” That guy had been shouting up while Bakugou and Kirishima had stared at each other in freakin confusion._

_Like that would have improved anything in that situation?!_

_Several lights had been flooding other rooms in the building in in that moment, the guy had been gone._

That exact same thing had been happening for 3 days in a row, even with teachers patrolling the grounds, until Deadpool had kidnapped him on his way to the convenience store. And he had brought him to a ramen restaurant nearby. Bakugou had fled but the idiot had caught up with him in no time. So Katsuki had ended up in a park, fettered against a tree with a fuckin chain.

“ _LISTEN to me.”_

“ _YOU JUST FUCKIN KIDNAPPED ME-” And that guy had shoven a piece of chocolate in his mouth. WHAT THE FUCK._

“ _Holy Jesus, Buddha, Allah and what- and whoever exists up there in the heavens or nirvana or whatsoever. Stop screaming around I already feel like a child molester!”_

“ _MAYBFE YOUF FUFIN ARF”_

_And then that guy had just.. punched him in the face. Out of nowhere._

“ _That hurt me more than it hurt you I SWEAR. Will you listen to me now?!”_

_And another huge chunk of chocolate before Bakugou had been able to spit the previous one out. He had felt his cheek swelling._

“ _I don't belong here. I've figured that out by now because holy shit I couldn't find my favorite Barbra Streisand CD anywhere!”_

_That had been a fuckin bad dream, he had known it. Like what the actual fuck._

“ _Anyway. Some guy appeared, brought me here and pulled a Copperfield and now I'm trapped. I told you already but the most important thing is, why the hell is that super adorable marshmallow girl not aware that you're soooooo in love with her?”_

_Alright. Bakugou had been sure that he had gone nuts in that very moment. Maybe banging his head against the trunk behind him would've been able to snap him back to reality? But that guy hadn't let him._

“ _You really have issues.”_

“ _LEMMFE GOF”_

“ _AH okay okay, I get it. You're a diamond with a marshmallow core!”_

_What._

“ _Yeah you know, like those badass muscly guys acting all tough and shit but listening to Cindy Lauper while wearing high heels in secret? An awesome feeling by the way, high heels are LIT. Anyway. Because feelings are a bad thing? You're one of those guys.”_

_HUH?!_

” _WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY, THIS IS BEYOND FUCKIN WEIRD.” Bakugou had screamed the moment he had finished chewing that chocolate._

“ _I KNOW RIGHT. So. Again, lemme help you. But.. stop screaming.” He had wanted to stuff him with chocolate again but Katsuki had moved his head around furiously, avoiding that gloved hand._

“ _You're a lunatic.” Bakugou growled._

“ _That's not nice. You're a little troublemaker aren't you? Maybe that's why she's so oblivious?”_

_In that exact moment, that red walking condom had analyzed Katsuki's feelings for Uraraka, the ones he had bottled up for months, within a weird ass 5 minute monologue. That he had been in love with her, that he had hated it, that he had been avoiding her and that she had feelings for someone else. That had been the weirdest and creepiest situation Katsuki had ever been in._

“ _I made you speechless! So I'm right. Oh my god. That's so cute, the tough troublemaker in love with the sweet innocent princess! You should have seen how you jumped in front of her and how you LOOKED at her, just like a super sweet teeny love story movie!”_

“ _She's NOT a fuckin helpless princess.” Bakugou had growled. Oh how he had hated it when people had called her that._

“ _WOW. Calm down Tiger. I didn't call her helpless. So she's badass huh? So you like bad girls huh?”_

“ _Tch.”_

“ _Aaaand you're kinda calm now. Good. So I'll let you go and we'll meet at the school tomorrow right?”_

“ _Are you fuckin insane, there are teachers everywhere, I'm sure the whole country is looking for you dipshit so what the fuck!”_

“ _As I said, I have nothing better to do and I SHIP YOU TWO SO HARD.” That guy had squealed in a way that had made Katsuki flinch._

“ _Just leave me the fuck alone!!!!”_

“ _Your babies would be so fuckin adorable too!”_

“ _WHAT THE F-”_

“ _I'll release you and we'll meet tomorrow. No attempted murder!”_

_And the guy had cut the chains with his ridiculous sharp katanas and had been gone before Katsuki had been able to do anything._

Even though Aizawa had kept patrolling the dorms himself, that stupid guy had managed to KNOCK HIM OUT. And he had not stopped talking at all before he had left just like that again.

A real pain in the ass. And quite recently, he had appeared sometimes during classes, knocking the teachers out but mostly, he appeared in the dorms in the evening. And by now, he had convinced the whole class that he was a “chill and cool bro” with most of them covering for that shithead, hiding him in their rooms for some chit chat. Had he already mentioned that the whole situation had been beyond weird? Aspiring heroes hiding a lunatic?

Deadpool continued to pop up out of nowhere during training sessions, like a fuckin Santa Claus clad in leather, handing out stupid bullshit-advice nobody needed in the first place.

Like the one time he had cornered Hagakure. _“Sorry for being so naughty but I just need to know: How does that work. As a guy, if I wanted to go down on you.. uhm I DON'T because you're a late teen and I'm a grown up and - oh that came out wrong - but it's hypothetical alright? Anyway I'd be pretty helpless. Have you tried applying stickers to your body to lead him the way? Glow in the dark for the extra kink?”_

The moment that stupid invisi-bitch had actually THANKED that moron for that bullshit, Bakugou knew he wouldn't get him off his ass so soon. And yeah, his class LIKED him.

And he hated his fuckin guts. That motherfucker should rot in fuckin Tartarus. But the damn stunt he pulled today? No, not Tartarus, that asshole was his alone. And he'd skin him alive.

Bakugou sat on the bed, small explosions crackling in his hands. What the fuck was he supposed to do with Uraraka? He could never face her again, or the rest of his class. Like, never ever again. Killing the fucker was one thing, living with the most embarassing moment he had ever had to endure within 18 years, was another story. She hadn't been there in the classroom. Had she seen... IT? And that stupid card? Had she read that fucking quote? FUCK. He should kill all witnesses.. but he couldn't kill her.

Uraraka didn't need to know that she was able to make a fool out of him. That she was able to prevent him from sleeping and shit. Nobody needed to know! He'd have survived the last months of school without ANYONE knowing what he had been trying to hide SO hard. Kirishima had been the only one GUESSING.And that freaking motherfuckin asshole had appeared, reading him like an open book without even knowing shit about him! Who needed that walking condom's help ANYWAY.

That fucker was a doomed man.

 

 


End file.
